Observations and Witticisms of a Classy Lady

Little white somethings

2006-02-10T15:29:00.000-08:00

First of all I would like to say, Yes, I know I am a total liar (as I keep professing my intent to blog with some regularity). Sorry.

In honor of V Day I present...

Some things I love: shoes, cheeseburgers from Cozy Burger, pedicures, the color Green, España, parasocial relationships*, napping, Apple, fat pants, chocolate, soccer legs, accents, FireFly, Veronica Mars, The Bachelor (yeah, I know), teaching the English, my bed, people who talk about Spain...a lot, my café con leche and my LP.

*The problem with parasocial relationships is that they won't send me a card or flowers or a teddy bear with "Shit bitch you is fine" written on it somewhere for Valentines Day.

Top Story

2005-12-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else confused as to why it's news that Colin Ferrall has a drug dependency? Were there ever any doubts?

I've missed y'all Like Whoa

2005-12-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

So, I know I've been MIA since like September but this semester was rough, for serious. So allow me to catch you up to speed on my life since the last post; I wrote a lot of papers, I ate a lot of processed food and I bitched about it. There wasn't much debauchery or lovin', well, there was none actually. Now to catch you up to speed on the past two weeks I will refer you to Commandarin's Blog (www.commandarin.blogspot.com) posts that come complete with photos. Now that I have all this free time who knows what will appear here on this CLaSsY blog.

Houston, we have a problem

2005-09-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

My theory that men are really only suitable for dating after 30 has been trampled. They are just as clueless at 30+ as they were at 16. I am having a complete strategic breakdown. If the ones my age aren't dateable and the ones in the next generation aren't either, where does that leave me? I can't go any older or younger. The older you go, the majority of your future will be spent babysitting some impotent old man and the younger you go, there is even more training involved than there is now. Forgive me for being cynical but WHAT the fuck? How can the world smile and say, "Oh silly little girl, there is someone out there for everyone. Patience." When these are the choices? How, exactly, is that comforting? In the words of SATC. "I have been dating since I was 15, WHERE IS HE?" I'll tell you where HE IS: He is in a self-absorbed, videogame induced coma, with his hand down his pants. De Puta Madre...

Culturally challenged

2005-08-11T13:09:00.000-07:00

Let's review some recent developments shall we.

This month: I have been learning French. I can say "I need shoes. Where is Dior?". I do believe I am ready for France.

This week: Mandy and I have taken to speaking with British accents. It started in a very poorly organized grocery store. (It's amazing what happens when you can't find the veggie burgers) I have invented a new phrase, "Hot Bollocks" and our incessant babel that went on in excess of 4 hours the first day, apparently effected Mandy so much she accidentally used it at work while speaking with a client. Oops.

Last night: She also has decided her accent is ready for the general public because at the theater last night (we went to see Wedding Crashers again, but only until the bike riding scene because it starts to, pardon me, SUCK after that) because she definitely utilized her skills while ordering tickets.

Today: I am in my office, working very hard (obviously), nursing my 4th diet Coke of the day, wearing a merlot colored beret I found on the coat rack out in the lobby. So, clearly, when you factor in the beret, things are looking up. Question: Who exactly wears berets these days? I mean besides the Misha Bartons of the world who reference fuggingitup for fashion ideas. Where can you get one? Answer: Probably in the accessories section of Dillards who, in case you have been frantically searching, has a fully stocked dickey* section. With a wonderful selection of colors such as pumpkin and chartreuse, who needs to buy an actual turtleneck?

*A dickey (also spelled "dickie") is a garment that resembles the front or collar of a shirt and is worn as a separate piece under a jacket or an oversized sweatshirt covered with puff paint and other classy decorative items, historically favored by elementary teachers.

Move over Matthew and Colin...There's a new guy in my life (and by in my life I mean, in my head)

2005-08-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

As of this mornings' Regis and Kelly I have a new parasocial relationship*. His name is Johnny, as in Knoxville. L-O-V-E him! I never watched Jackass. I mean, I'm all for acting stupid but not THAT stupid. It didn't do much for me now however, where as I had doubts about actually going to see The Dukes of Hazard movie, I now fully intend to be there (with bells on). I am also a bit curious to witness Jessica Simpson's acting debut, not that this part is demanding by any stretch of the imagination and the assumption that it could have easily been handled by any large breasted blond is probably right on target. Even so, I still have the slightest interest, probably more so because I secretly hope she falls on her ass (Maybe not quite as terrible as Mariah Carey's fuck up, Glitter. That shit wasn't even good enough to make fun of and I don't wish a breakdown on the girl, I just want something to laugh at) and all that jazz, than I am wondering if we have a new Meryl Streep on our hands...HA!

In other news, I thoroughly enjoyed Wedding Crashers. Vince, well, just see it and you will know what I am talking about. (The cake eating montage and the facial expressions during the table jack off scene were things of greatness) Owen, on the other hand was a disappointment. As Mandy put it, "Boy is tow up" and just not that funny. Sweetie, we've seen it all before, you brought nothing new to this part except, maybe a few wrinkles.

*A parasocial relationship is a relationship that does not really exist, except within the mind
of the person who created it. It is most commonly seen with Soap Opera characters and the their audience. These people actually believe that the character is real and hold the actor responsible for the actions of his/her character. ie Mandy aka Commandarin and her parasocial relationship with Joshua Jackson and his character from Dawson's Creek, Pacey. Have you seen the boyfriend cup??

How creative am I?

2005-07-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Sarah Anne Hurry
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Light Blue
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? www.los40.com
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A Chocolate Truffle
5. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? yep
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green
7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? SUNNY AND HOT
8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? some very pissed off person who had a workers comp claim denied
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? I stole it! So there!
10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Okay, a bit hungry at the moment
11. FAVORITE DRINK? Coke in a glass bottle (and it has to be Coke, I don't want any of that Pepsi shit)
12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Grey Goose and Cranberry Juice and Tinto Verano
13. FAVORITE SPORT? Soccer
14. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? Nope
15. # OF SIBLINGS? One.
16. FAVORITE MONTH? Um, March?
17. FAVORITE FOOD? Sushi, cheese
18. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
19. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? March 7
20. WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT? Get splotchy, cry, maybe throw something
21. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? My Pink CareBear
22. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
23. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses
24. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla sometimes, chocolate others but mostly chocolate
25. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO REPLY? Not applicable
26. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ''
27. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? God.
28. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? Townhouse with Mandy
29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last weekend
30. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Some old drawings, some books, journals....
31. WHO IS THE FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD THE LONGEST? Well technically it's Sydney. She has known me since the day I was born but I don't really talk/see her that often (Maybe once every 2 years). So I would have to say Lyda. She has been my best friend since 1st grade.
32. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? Watched SATC while eating leftover paella
33. FAVORITE SMELL? Sevilla in the spring
34. WHO INSPIRES YOU? Too many people to say.
35. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? A lot of things. Growing up is a big one.
36. PLAIN, BUTTERED OR SALTED POPCORN? I like a little salt and butter
37. FAVORITE CAR OR TRUCK? ...
38. FAVORITE FLOWER? Anything but carnations! Except now carnations remind me of Feria so I like them but only during Feria.
39. NUMBER OF KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 8
40. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Decidedly not.
41. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Saturday.
42. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Went to see flamenco with Steph, Erin, Paula, and Pral. The whole bar sang happy birthday to me in Spanish.
43. DO YOU OWN A DONOR CARD? Donor card? I signed the back of my license
44. FAVORITE ANIMAL? Taylor
45. FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? Sevilla, it was some vacation
46. FAVORITE AGE? um, 21 was pretty good.
47. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? InStyle
48. FAVORITE WEB SITE? Fuggin it up! fuggingitup.blogspot.com
49. FAVORITE SOAP OPERA? I used to watch Days...but I just can't seem to get into it anymore.
50. FAVORITE HISTORICAL DUO YOU ARE LIKE TO MISSPELL: Name some. I can only think of the ones I can spell.

Domestication and Good Fun

2005-07-09T07:33:00.000-07:00

I have been domesticated.

So, the other day I got up at 7am to take care of a 10 month old and a 2 year old for 8 hours. Then, I came home and watered the garden, fed the dog, and to top it all off, went grocery shopping. My domestication, however, still does not include cooking, unless you consider making reservations or using a microwave cooking. It's a goal. One step at a time. I mean this is kind of a big deal for me, the girl who once told someone,

"I'm not domestically inclined, I require help."

I fear it shall always be true...Allow me to end this segment with a quote from SATC:

"The only thing I've ever made in the kitchen is a mess... And several small fires."

Anywho. In other news,
Harold and Kumar go to White Castle...is AWESOME!!!!* I'm all about anything that incorporates Wilson Phillips. "Yeah I know that there is pain/ but ya hold on for one more day/ and ya break free break from the chaaainnns" Do yourself a favor and grab your best friend, a good bottle of wine and allow Harold and Kumar to transport you to "the land of burgers" and BattleShits...see, yeah that's right BattleSHITS, you're interested now aren't you? (and by "you" I mean all the 2osomethings who, like me, are still really into bathroom humor) I think I am a 12-year-old boy stuck in a 22-year-old ladygirl body sometimes, it's a problem.

*I reserve the right to retract this statement upon a 2nd viewing of this film, for a number of reasons. Some include but are not limited to:

Danny Leiner was also the director of Dude, Where's my Car? And, well...see posting entitled Correction.
I was on an Ice cream/Wine/Crazy induced high while watching

You sure know how to pick 'em

2005-07-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

My best friend informed me last night that she was dating someone new. Someone who makes a living selling illegal HOUSE PLANTS. No, I don't mean pot (that was my first thought as well) I mean exactly what I said. House plants. Now if he gets caught and goes to jail, just take a moment and think about the scene.
"Hey man, what are you in for?"
"House plants"
That amuses me to no end.

SAHM: Has he shown you his greenhouse yet?
LCK: Well, yeah actually, I saw it in his bathroom this morning, where there was no toilet paper because he uses baby wipes.

This situation reminded me of a party Lyda and I attended a few years ago. We arrived, surveyed the scene and spotted some cute guys. Things were good, until one of them started talking.

Guy: Hey
LCK: Hey, do you work at camp?
Guy: No
LCK: Oh, so what do you do?
Guy: I sell rocks.
LCK: Oh, you mean like for the summer?
Guy: No, it's my full-time job.
LCK: Um, so...Beer pong!

Is love in the air? No wait, that's just the topsoil/manure mix. House plants...(insert loud cackling, followed by a few snorts here)

This shit is Bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2005-07-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

So I got to do something I truly enjoy for the first time in a while this morning...Walk around in my underwear. There is just something about letting it ALL hang out there that makes me happy. I didn't have to worry about scarring someone for life should they happen upon me sin ropa. Let the cat in, let the dog out, had breakfast, belted out my rendition of "You're so Vain" all while scantily clad and it was awesome. Summer has arrived.

Unfortunately, I took my time enjoying my regained freedom and upon realizing that I should have been at work like, yesterday, I grabbed the pants that were on top of the pile of clothes and a tank. Of course, I can't wear a tank to work so when I got to my car I grabbed the shirt that was on top of the other pile still in the car and drove to work thinking 'damn you're good'. Then, I got onto the elevator with mirrored doors and made the unfortunate discovery that I, in fact, deserve to be fugged, not congratulated on my speedy wardrobe choice. Yellow, blue, green and white plaid capris and a yellow polo. I look like a banana that has started to go bad at one end...Thank God I'm not important enough to be hunted down and obliterated for wearing outfits such as this one. It's the little things in life, isn't it?

I feel like I'm taking CrAzY Pills...Thanks to TOM

2005-06-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

So I hate to have all these postings about Tom but unfortunately, he just won't go away. Could his film please hurry up and open so this clusterfuck of a charade can be O-V-E-R? I have entered an new realm of hatred for this charismatic little man with BIG teeth after his comment to Matt Lauer. Not that I am a huge Lauer fan or anything, but seriously, who does he think he is? Tommy boy, you are an ACTOR and just because everyone knows your obnoxious ADHD short self does not make you a scholar. We are so proud that you can read and all but so can George W. (I am pretty sure I need not expound on this analogy) and also, articles from the Scientology Drug Free Self Help Publishing Co. don't count, Sorry. I mean, we are supposed to take advice from a guy who worships an ALIEN GOD created a mere 51 years ago by a SCIENCE FICTION WRITER? L. Ron has probably pissed himself six ways from Sunday (I don't know if that expression is appropriate but I kind of like it so I used it anyway) from laughing at the asshats who perpetuate his joke. We did not evolve from CLAMS people and Tom Cruise is not the authority on psychiatry. Hell, he probably can't even spell it.

Xenu follower, Pope lover to marry

2005-06-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

Okay folks, Crusie and Krazy Holmes are getting married. No date is set, but since he proposed on top of the Eiffel Tower my guess is Valentines Day, if he can keep it in his pants long enough...oh wait, he can. Definitely Valentines Day.

2005-06-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

Me and Dana hard at work.

Hard at work

2005-06-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

What is happening in that picture you ask. Dana and I heard some screaming outside our office window and in order to properly view the altercation we HAD to get on our desks...this is what happened. Names have been changed to protect the CrAzy.
"Her name is Niecey and his name is Lamarmont. At first I thought it was just the crazy lady who screams at people as they walk by but it wasn't. Niecey was sitting on the bench and Lamarmont was screaming and getting in her face so much so that I would have flinched. However, she did not. So she was not afraid of him at all and had probably literally kicked his ass numerous times. She just let him scream and holler for about 5 minutes, then enter stage right, random white lady, we will call her Meladee, sat on the bench next to Niecey, I guess for morale support. Meanwhile, Lamarmont persisted in his tirade until one cruiser and two bike policemen showed up. Good times, good times."

Correction

2005-06-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

Dude, Where's my Car? Is SHIT. It's not funny. Not even the Busta Move pool party montage. Commandarin and I are completely confused as to why we thought it was funny the first time, although it could have had something to do with that handle of vodka we found lying around... We would like to withdrawl our support at this time.
Thank You

Classy and Commando's Greatest Hits-2nd Edition

2005-06-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

MKH: "I'm not taking care of a man unless he is deathly ill and we had a lot of good sex before."

mandarin7999: he loves you
mandarin7999:sadly...I do not like the whole Momma's boy angle
haras211: well not really, it was like 8 am there
mandarin7999: ah-so he's an inconsiderate bastard, eh?
haras211: he's spanish, they're all momma's boys
mandarin7999: yuck
mandarin7999: it's bad enough here

SAHM: "I was not having the best quality shits this weekend so I took some of my mom's Benefiber and it so didn't help."
MKH: "That will just make it worse."
SAHM: "Oh, right"
MKH: "You really shouldn't go into medicine."

"Sarah still has an air of innocence about her. It's sweet really. Mandy, on the other hand, doesn't."
A Friend's Grandfather

MKH: "OMG, I dated Darth Vader"

MKH: "Dun, dun, dundun, duh, duh, duh, duh, dun duhduh..."
SAHM: "They should play Darth Vader music after we eat a lot."

I would like to make a motion...

2005-06-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

In response to Commandarin's latest post (What irritates me? Here's a list, also known as Commando's Guide to Flying and Being Cool.) I would like to make a rebuttal with regard to article 4 and suggest amendments to articles 1 and 7. Ahem...

Commandarin: "People who over-pack for weekend trips. Classy Lady, I'm talking to you. I don't know why I'm still so irritated by something that happened two years ago, but I am. Carry on, carry on. It's just SO much easier. Five years ago, I made it through Europe with two carry-on bags, so I know it can be done."

Commandarin you are out of order. CARRY ON?!? How am I supposed to fit a fur coat in a carry on duffel?? As you know, I had the coat (it was way old and a gift, so no I don't, as does Jenny from the block, condone the slaughter of animals for fashion) as part of my J. LO ensemble for Halloween. That shit was large and also, one of my least favorite activities is packing. Carry ons require thought and skillful arranging. Large non-carry on items require way less packing effort and allow for more choices, so yes I take a suitcase the size of a small car on weekend trips.* I'm a prissy bitch sometimes, deal.

The second order of business: "People who wear jewelry on airplanes."

I completely agree that all the Susie Soccermoms and their tacky QVC jewelry should stay at home but I feel it is unfair to include all jewelry wearing persons. I, for one, always fly with my birthstone ring (that could pass as an engagement ring) on my left ring finger as to discourage unwanted attention from all of the Mr. Sleazy Businessmen/future husbands of Susie Soccermom/dirty republicans who are on "Business Trips" and feel the need to comment on the mile high club while suggesting that because of some turbulence, the flight might go down and in that case WE should "hit it all the way to the ground" complete with hand motions. Yes, all this came just after he finished telling me about his 18 year old girlfriend, he was 36. Now, I've had my share of older men and generally my limit is around 10 years but Gross. That is way too Lolita for me. My traveling jewelry is strictly a safety precaution, being sexually harassed at 10,000 feet is NOT fun.

"Men who are married. Lately, it seems like all the cute ones are. I hate this trend."

I also hate the cute married ones who DO NOT wear a wedding ring. I would to take this opportunity say I think you all are dirty bastards. My first encounter with this was my economics professor with the nice ass. No wedding ring ever. His name is Lance. He is married with a kid. Ugh

*I did manage to make it through a three day trip to Portugal with only my messenger bag. Talk about roughing it. I actually took a picture of me and the bag for my dad, he would have never believed me. Anywho, I feel it is important to try new things and broaden my horizons. This experience of having only the bare essentials is on par with the camping experience from high school. It won't happen again.

The ADHD, Drug Free Clam

2005-06-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

See, Commandarin and I are not the only ones. Not only is he insane (this is GREAT entertainment people, you will need QuickTime though) but someone else also thinks he is a little light in his loafers, if ya know what I mean. Last night Commandarin and I practiced doing "The Cruise" (where he collapses on one knee with his head down as he pumps one arm) as it is now called. Kids, this is exactly why there is such a thing as Ritalin and why, if you need it, it should be taken. However, since he is a scientologist and doesn't believe in durgs (yes, I meant to spell it that way) he is able to provide hours of endless entertainment for me, Commandarin and you too! So go ahead, do it..."The Cruise" that is, NOT the Scientology. It's the next big thing.

I'm on it

2005-05-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'm on it, Commandarin, like, as the saying goes, white on rice (I'm in Eastern KY so I figured what the hell)...So, Okay guys, I'm not going to lie. I am having a lot of trouble blogging at the moment. Perhaps it's because I have so much to say (Spain was fabulous for starters) or perhaps it's because I have come to realize that all I write about is absolute BULLSHIT. Of course, I already knew it was all bullshit but something is different. I think I might need a couple more weeks of the US before I get back into the swing of things. You know, I think...yeah, I've got it. I haven't been around stupid in 4 months. That's got to be it. I think I might have actually gotten smarter in Spain (and no I'm not saying Spain is better, they have their share of stupid, ahem Zapatero. All I'm saying is that I didn't understand the stupid and therefore decided it did not exist. Pesky language barrier). Don't worry though, that fact that I came directly back to Eastern KY, that I will start working at the Bar Association again (this is a reflection of the clients I will work with, not my colleagues), and the unfortunate fact that Bush is still running our country will surely dumb me back down real fast...like a marsupial.

P.S. this guy emailed me all the lyrics to Sara Smiles the other day. What the hell? I know I was with him when he bought the Hall and Oat compilation CD and all and oh how cute my name is Sarah (con H, have I ever mentioned how upset I get when people don't put an H on the end of my name?), but Jesus Cristo what...I didn't know how to respond...so I didn't. He he

Here I go again...

2005-05-10T04:51:00.000-07:00

So, yeah I have a two finals today...in less than 2 hours. WHAT AM I DOING writing on my damn blog. Seriously. Just wanted to give my faithful readers a final ole from Spain. I´ll be home on Saturday and bored out of my ass when I wake up from my coma (Traveling/Jet lag is a bitch, I already have splotches just thinking about it) on Monday. Expect some serious blogging in the near future. I have some interesting stories and insights from the España.
Hasta Luego

Por Supuesto

2005-05-04T03:58:00.000-07:00

I am:
2%
Republican.

"You're a complete liberal, utterly without a trace of Republicanism. Your strength is as the strength of ten because your heart is pure. (You hope.)"

Are You A Republican?

A Literary Snack from Spain

2005-03-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

I know I haven´t written in forever but I´ve been busy. You know same old, same old. Pissing people off and breaking hearts. Here´s a little snack to tide you over until Mayo. Smoooch

"It basically says get wasted and have a nice hangover." My international business prof. Nano about warning labels on alcohol in Spain.

¨I just bought Beer out of a vending machine. How classy is that?¨ -Me

"I'll give you until the 21st because after Feria you'll be shit faced...me too." Nano on when our project is due.

Me-¨Apparently, all the hot spanish men have relocated to Granada.¨
Amy-"Yeah, it's gotten to the point in Sevilla where you see a guy without a mullet and you're like 'Hey, Hey'".

"If Africa had all the oil that the Middle East has then we would be liberating the hell out of it." Me in International Relations

My roommate-¨OMG Sarah, I found a HOOF in the kitchen cabinet!¨ (they have these really gross looking pig legs here, with the hoof and everything. All the bars have them and some people have them in their homes...and we have a winner. At least I haven´t had to see it yet.)

Me- Why is baby Jesus holding a flaming heart?
Amy- I don´t know. And also why did baby Jesus stab it with an arrow? -At the Museo de Bellas Artes

International Relations (Imagine all these quotes with a Scottish accent)

¨They can weigh up to 600 kilos, which is a lot of beef running at you...angry.¨ -John about Bullfighting

¨Have you heard something that sounds like a cat dying accompanied by some drums coming from under a bridge yet? Yeah, that´s one of the confraternities practicing for Semana Santa. They all sound like that.´´

¨So they dress up at midnight to play a trumpet under a bridge. There´s serious mental issues right there. It´s weird man!¨¨ -John about Spaniards

International Business (Imagine a thick Spanish accent)

¨What the hell? You all eat hotdogs. What is worse than a hot dog?¨ -Nano after someone was disgusted to find out people here love escargot.

¨Yes...I´m communist. But only on the weekends. Yes...I´m a gay terrorist.¨ -Nano about filling out US customs papers in the 80´s

¨They know if you have hemorrhoids. They know everything.¨ -About US Customs

´´Introduction to music? What the fuck is that? I remember my fathers exact words...´what the fuck is that? I thought you were studying economics.´´´ -About going to university in the US

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2005-01-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

Kids,
Tomorrow I leave for Espana and I don't know when I'll be back again (to the blog that is, I return to the US May 14th). I will do my best to update but I don't think I will have that much time or Internet access. I know you're worried but I promise I will have plenty of time to post when I get back AND I promise to be more attentive and interesting upon return.
XOXO
-S

Like a Republican I know

2005-01-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

Miss Priss emailed this to me.
LOVE it...Felt the need to share.
Enjoy!

"here let me be him: (the most nasal-y gop voice i can muster)
i am a republican, EVERYTHING is about me and i know better than you. i have to take care of you because if i don't...you may make a decision for yourself (gasp). and please allow me to look down upon you and others who also don't need my assistance in any way and let me convince other friends of yours to help me in my co-dependent pathetic behavior. let me please be your knight in shining armor so i can show myself how important i am to others and then let me bitch about it when i put that crown of thorns on ALL BY MYSELF. allow me to further burden myself by changing my plans for you when you did not even ask for my assistance or are even aware of my plans and what's this...you don't care about my mundane plans or boring ass republican whoevers? you are having a good time without me? how could you when i am so pleasant. this way i have made you ask me why i am being such an ass, and i got to tell how IMPORTANT i am because i should have been with all these other people but i HAD to be with you because damnit, you're just a girl. chivalrous...some may put it that way, it really is just feeling much more needed than i EVER WILL BE. it actually empowers me and makes me feel like you care when i can play the martyr and make you wonder for an indefinite period time as to what could possibly be bothering me. how else am i to feel important..."

Life as I know it

2005-01-07T19:40:00.000-08:00

Since I have neglected my loving readers (both of you) for so long let me catch you up...

So my life since I returned to Hell, well...

Dec. 17th my mother informs that my puppy Grace died, she was only 3. Apparently she had cancer. Gracie Lou Freebush aka stink, aka precious love, aka poodle (she was actually a mini schnauzer, we all know I'm weird and I enjoyed calling her poodle) was the best damn dog ever. I miss her a lot and life just isn't the same.

That same day my dad calls and informs me that he has torn his Achilles tendon in half and will be in a cast for 6 weeks. Apparently this now entitles him to:
a) A driver
b) A person to carry his stuff around
c) Ask for everything that is not within arms reach
While I'm not opposed to helping out it just seems to me that these things he NEEDS (ice cream and cookies) all seem to arise at the very moment my mother or I set down and get comfortable. It's amazing (amazing is used here in the same way I tend to use awesome nowadays)

Dec 25: I got a pink Ipod for Christmas.

Dec 27-30: I went to Asheville for a few days after xmas and spoke to and/or saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time. Of course I reeked havoc and after ensuring that AT LEAST 3 people were pissed off at me I decided that it was, indeed, time to go home.

Dec 31/Jan 1: New Years was spent with my best friend (since 1st grade!) Lyda at Spindletop Hall and a bunch of old people. We were by far the youngest people there. Except for this waiter we asked to dance because we were kind of bored. But alas he was, well, working. Lyda dubbed him Dude McFace. Why you ask? I got nothin' Scottish? again, I got nothin' The highlight of our evening was our cab driver Heathcliff, yes that was is real name! He spoke to us about one of his 'closest soulmates' and how he wanted to hang out with Hank Williams Jr. On the ride back he gave everyone a copy of a mixed CD he made entitled 'LOVE IS'...ahhh.

Jan 2nd: Went to Chicago for 2 days to apply for my student visa. $600 and a 3 minute meeting later I was on my way to getting that visa...Awesome. Chicago was good times though. Commando, can't wait to move there. We will have too much fun.

I am now my dad's personal assistant and get to wake up at 7 so I can drive him to hearings in faraway, scary places like Magoffin Co. the hometown of Larry Flint...ugh. During motion hour the other day. I thought about motioning for naptime...[Insert thought bubble: 'Your Honor I move to recess for a one hour nap' End thought bubble]

Currently, I am sick AGAIN, for the third time in 6 months. I used to never get sick...what the hell?

Sarah Fun Fact #1: I have a blue ribbon from the KY State Fair in, wait for it, wait for it...woodworking...didn't see that one coming did ya?

What is in a name?

2005-01-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

I have a mug that says:
Sarah
Meaning: Princess
You truely possess a charm special and rare. You can hold your head high-you have that special air. To your many admires, you seem almost royal. Your devoted followers will always be loyal. Because of your name, enchantment and romance will fill your life long with laughter, song and dance.

What it should say:
Sarah
Meaning: Crazy Princess
Reeking havoc whereever you go, you destroy everything in your path. People struggle in your wake. You should be required to wear a warning sign. Way to piss everyone off. Bitch.

So there you go, can't say I didn't warn you. For specifics, apply in person...but you're probably better off running in the other direction if you see me.

This just in...

2004-12-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

The Almighty Great One has spoken...to DANA! No less than five minutes ago Dana received a personal email from none other than America's Best Christian herself, BETTY BOWERS!
An email was sent revealing information about an uncalled for spelling error on one of the printable gift tags, Ms. Bowers replied promptly with:

Dear Dana:
Thank you, dear. I've change it. Now I just need to find someone to blame...

So Close To Jesus, His Christmas Shopping Is Ruining My Credit,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian
A woman known throughout Christendom for her joie d'après vivre

Forgive me, I must repent now...

P.S. Oran Scotty McFarlan, Dana says you are a turd for not commenting on the blog...beotch!

Classy & Commando's Greatest Hits: The Classy Edition

2004-12-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

Since commadarin beat me to the punch I will simply direct your attention to her latest post...

Classy & Commando's Greatest Hits

So my back is spasming(?) and I'm way too sore from my work combo of carrying babies around and bussing tables (busgirl by day, and nanny by night!). So no original posts.

However, in honor of the sadness that I feel about Classy Lady leaving for Spain, I've decided to amuse everyone with some choice pieces of dialogue from our conversations. Yes...we are so awesome that when we amuse ourselves, we write the shit down.

And yes, we know we are losers.

But enjoy:

Looking at yearbooks:
Sarah: Honestly? I think that [a certain friend of mine] is hot. Well, not the whole not-employed, not-graduated-from-college-thing. But physically? He’s hot.
Mandy: Oh really? Hmm...Well anyway, I think we should write a song called: "it’s about to get stinky in here"

About boys we knew in college:
Sarah: The thing that I wish people would realize about me is that I can make those boys cry like women.

Driving around Biltmore forest:
Mandy: What’s up with the conch shells at the end of the driveway? Maybe it’s supposed to mean welcome?
Sarah: Well that’s just like putting a big pineapple at the end of the driveway. It may mean welcome, but it still looks like shit.

Before a visit to Marble Slab:
Mandy: You do realize that we’re just taking Immodium AD in preparation? Our stomachs are upset but we’re about to eat more anyway.

SOOOO CLASSY!

Heading to Holly Hill Inn:
Mandy: Well, we gotta get dressed. We have to go have brunch with my parents.
Sarah: We are? All I have is jeans and a shirt that says 'I love beer.'

A long, long time ago:
Mandy: So [ex-boyfriend] has mono. Apparently. That’s why he hasn’t called. Or actually, I don’t know why.
Sarah: So the thing is, I don’t know if I should tell you this? But your ex-boyfriend, totally just came on to me.
Mandy: Oh, so I guess he's talking to you. What did the asshole say?
Sarah: Well, we were on IM and he was all "you should totally come up here and we’d hang out." As if I would ever hook up with his pasty, mono-stricken ass.

At the beginning of watching Deliverance:
Mandy: I’m pretty sure that Burt Reynolds gets sodomized in this.
Sarah: Well, someone does.
And later...
Mandy: See Bobby has it so easy! Well, you know, other than getting butt-f***ed earlier today. But I mean, Burt Reynolds has his hip hanging out and he’s laying on a cold, wet rock and Jon Voight has to scale a mountain and kill that guy, and all Bobby has to do is sit there.

On Prince William:
Mandy: So what’s the deal with your Prince William crush? He looks like a horse.
S: I know, he kinda does and he’s balding.
M: So what’s the deal?
S: I want to be a princess.
M: So it really has nothing to do with him, it has to do with you.
S: I was meant to be a princess. I have two middle names, damn it! And one of them’s British!

On Dawson's Creek and unrealistic expectations of romance:
M: I’ve always been against the human cloning idea, but we just need to clone some Pacey’s and that’s all there is to it. We just need to find our Pacey’s.
S: Keep your eye on the Pacey.
M: What would your ideal Pacey be like?
S: He’d be funny and kind and NOT obsessed with money. And above all, he would LOVE ME.

On movies:
Mandy: You know, Dude Where’s My Car was pretty awesome.
Sarah: I know.
Mandy: We should totally make a Dude, Where’s My Car about us.
Sarah: Dude, where’s my tampon?
Mandy: [shrieking with laughter]....It’s swum upstream, you’re going to have to fish for it!

Hey, we know we're the epitome of class. You don't have to tell us.

Looking at skinny-dipping photos:
Mandy: LOOK at your ass.
Sarah: Oh my God! It’s like a white beacon. If I ever get lost at sea all I’ll have to do is flip over and take my pants off. They'll find me.

Do Your Part

2004-12-15T11:03:00.000-08:00

So Dana and I were talking today about what new cologne her friend Robbie should get for Christmas. So I thought I would offer a list of my favorites just in case anyone else was having a similar dilemma. As everyone knows I have impeccable taste...

Men
Alfred Sung, Hei
Burberry, Touch
Giorgio Armani, Emporio He
Issey Miyake, L'Eau d'Issey
Lacoste, Pour Homme

Women
Burberry, Touch
Bvlgari, BLV
Bvlgari, White Tea
Caudalie, Fleur de Vigne
Chanel, Coco Mademoiselle
Clean, Clean
Comptior Sud Pacifique, Vanille Abricot
Comptior Sud Pacifique, Vanille Banane (Great, but only if you want to smell like a baked good)
Dolce & Gabbana, By
Dolce & Gabbana, Light Blue
Fresh, Lemon Sugar
Giorgio Armani, Acqua Di Gio
Giorgio Armani, Emporio She
Gucci, Rush 2
Hanae Mori, Butterfly
Herve Leger, Herve Leger
Valentino, Gold
Yves Saint Laurent, Baby Doll
Yves Saint Laurent, In Love Again

Most of these can be found on my dresser or at Sephora. But remember parfums smell different on everyone, Picking a new scent should be like picking an engagement ring. Take your time and be sure to try it on BEFORE you buy.

P.S. Did you know that you are not supposed to rub your wrists together after applying your parfum? It changes the composition and can alter the smell. Actually, you should rub your wrists together BEFORE you apply because heat will help bring out your scent.

Do your part and make the world smell better...If we all do a little, we can do a lot!
This has been a public service announcement from your friendly, neighborhood classy lady.

Some O & W from the Office

2004-12-14T13:20:00.007-08:00

Sadly, I will be leaving my great place of employment on Friday. In honor of my time there I am posting some Observations and Witticisms from me and Dana in la oficina...

It’s probably because you are a dumbass… You are not intelligent enough to have a driver’s license. S (after I hung up)

I didn’t make the law I just know it! S

I like shoes that click. It makes me feel important. D

Sexual Preference is not a deterrent. D

Those Republicans are irresistible. D

He wants to ravish you in the pool until the early morning hours. S

The Best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody. D

LRS, a service so good that membership is thanks enough. –Guest Witticist Amy

Let me give you the number for the American Civil Liberties Union…502-581…(another interuption from the crazy caller) Damnit! 1-800-YOU’RE CRAZY! S (I didn't actually say this, just wanted to)

I heard he found her at the Waffle House screamin’ she wanted it scattered, smothered and chunked…That’s what I heard.- D About someone’s 5th wife

Sarah, You know I have a Burberry bag to carry my Louis in…guess what I did this weekend? I saw Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan. D

Yeah, It was ’93 and I was 10. S

Every girl needs a boyfriend because husbands don’t do shit! Guest Witticist Gaye

I will never be the director of anything because it would make me splotchy. S

…And I haven’t hired people because they had bangs. D

The only kind of sex I have is oral sex; all I do is talk about it. Guest Witticist H. H.

…I’m out for blood, I want hardware! D

…Yeah, I think she’s done mating. D about the Lady on the sidewalk

Sorry…don’t carry a gun in your purse. S after talking to a client who was fired

OMG, if I want to see a cover band I’ll go to Cheapside. D

S: What is Jeb short for?
D: UGLY!

But really, after I have a baby I can get my tits done. D

I’ve got Amberbock in my fridge and Grey Goose in my freezer. S

I’m sure he just looks at me and sees a big ball of sin. D

D: I don’t like the way he talks to his kids.
G: What? Is he nice to them?

Git it Britney Spears! You know that nasty bitch farts.
Guest Witticist Robbie

I can’t believe they still delivered milk when you were little…of course we had to MILK a cow…
Guest Witticist Gaye

S: She wears tapered jeans.
D: WHOA! Girl, don’t even say that in jest.
(Part of a discussion about how to get D on the show 'what not to wear')

Listen…Now listenlistenlisten. I know all about God and Jesus and that stuff. But what I want to know is what happened to your skin? D during a conversation with Crazy

Crazy: I don’t have a mouth.
D: Then honey, how are you talking to me?
Crazy: You don’t believe me either.

We are descending into chaos…I HAVE to talk to this lady.
Guest Witticist Ryan

I would like a manservant named Weatherby. S

Least Favorite States and Emissions of an Offensive Odor

2004-12-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

So as some of you might be wondering, "why did you only survive 11 years of that (see Ah Home posting for entire description)?' I was born in Ashland, KY. Which is, unfortunately, in the Tri-state region, the tri-states being KY, Ohio, and West Virginia. Oh and W. VA are at the top of my least favorite states list, hence the unfortunate comment. (just in case you are curious (oh and that reminds me of something else that involves Britney aka 'cooterfunk', for all you fametracker whores, but I'll discuss that later*) New Jersey is #1 on my list for being the smutty toxic waste dump that it is) I moved to the illustrious ville when I was 5 and when I was 16 I went away to school. Yeah, yeah, I hear you guys, "What did you do?" I didn't DO anything. Boarding school does not = Military, boot camp, hell hole, school for irreversibly fucked up hellions. I actually asked my parents to send me away.

As previously discussed I am from Paintsville...need I say more? Well, yeah I do. So basically everyday of my last year at P-ville High included: 1ST period, Algebra=nap, 2nd period, Gym=nap, although once I did lace up the teachers new basketball shoes and received a thank you in the form of 'I'll dance at your wedding'. Um no, sorry, but YOU won't be anywhere near my wedding...p.s. the only thing this PE/Health teacher ever said in class was something about open heart surgery and it included this insightful information: 'you know what's in your veins? CRAP', 3rd, Spanish=Meditation b/c I couldn't nap in Senora Gris's clase. 4th period, English=passing notes and/or practice writing with my left hand (i'm fairly good, it's amazing what years of practice will do for you). 5th period, US History=nap, with the exception of days that a film was shown, for some reason the teacher took off points for sleeping through films but not for sleeping through his lectures...yeah, I don't really have an explanation for that other than he knew just how worthless they were and thought that sleep was a much more productive use of our time. I mean this guy began our first class ever with 'History, it's like saying: HI to a STORY'. QUALITY 6th period, Biology=something new everyday, this class was full of the town's finest, who at some point during the year, brought in porn and actually played it in class just to see how long it would take the teacher to notice and spent a good deal of time developing their artistic talents drawing the male/female anatomy on the school mascot/holiday characters that were painted on the windows of the classroom.

As productive and fun as this experience was, I needed a change of scenery.

More later...

*I had the misfortune, the other day, of smelling Curious, Britney's new parfum. It smells like PALMOLIVE. Ergo, it's gross.

A weekend full of CLASS

2004-12-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

So my weekend...started out with a classy trip to Perkins (ah... memories of that codependent summer in Asheville) with Mandy where we had classy conversation about how we don't have boyfriends. It went something like this:
Mandy: So, you know, I watch Jerry Springer sometimes and those 500 pound women have kids and have been married at least 6 times, so it means that someone had sex with them multiple times. If they can find somebody, why can't I?
Me: Um, Mandy I'm pretty sure the men that you are talking about don't meet our standards. Which brings me to another point, We don't meet our standards. We sit here looking gross and go 'oh well if they don't like me for me then they aren't worth it to begin with and then as we finish saying this we see some poor soul who looks just as bad as we do and say 'oh Jesus, what happened to them'. We are always the exception and apparently we need to do something about this, seeing as how we are perpetually single.
Mandy: So what you are saying is that we need to lower our standards...I'll be the most popular girl in trailer park!

This classy dinner was followed by a classy trip to THE LIQUOR BARN (one of my favorite stores EVER and I have to say, that the barn on Harrodsburg Rd is SO much better than the one on Richmond Rd) There, we critiqued the Vodka bottles and I bought a classy bottle of THE LITTLE PENGUIN Wine. (I'll let you know how it turns out)

And then we went to the movies. So, can I just say how much Ocean's Twelve BLEW. It was one of the worst movies I have EVER seen. The only remotely redeeming qualities were the Roberts-Willis scenes and Topher Grace's cameo. But other wise it was a long ass clusterfuck of a suckfest. (and yes, M I know that is one of YOUR words) Catherine Zeta-Jones was pointless and in it way too much, however her hair was awesome, as mine will be shortly (ha, another pun). You can so tell that the way this thing was made was someone said, 'Okay we have all these bankable stars, now someone write a script but make the plot confusing as hell and all the characters different. We want the audience to leave feeling competely gypped and with one main question...'what the hell just happened'.' Poor Matt Damon, I have to give him props for trying so hard but when all was said and done, everything/one else just overpowered his hard work with shit.

Moral of this story, DON'T SEE IT or, if you must, wait and rent.

2004-12-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

I am disheveled. My nails are chipped, my hair is disgustingly long, my face hasn't been sucked off in about 6 months (microdermabrasion works miracles people), but I am finished, gross, but finished.

One of the best things about being finished is that I no longer have to listen to Georgie in Ethics class. Georgie has this gansta/redneck thing going on that annoys the ever-loving shit out me. The kid is a first rate asshat. He talks just to hear himself talk. Everything he says, and I mean everything, is just a less eloquent reiteration of whatever the professor has just said. So, of course, the professor simply must move on from the interruption with a "you're right" or "exactly" and then Georgie, satisfied that his two cents (which really weren't his to begin with) have made an important contribution to the class, slumps even farther in his desk and smiles to himself. I mean, he should just wear a shirt that says: "I NEED VALIDATION"

Anyways, I must be off to work at the Bar Association's Christmas Party. And for all of those people out there who are thinking 'Awesome, a bar association, where do I sign up? And also, what do you think about the smoking ban?' It's bar as in legal, not alcohol. Although, this party will involve an open bar, which IS awesome, and is where I will be having my one (yeah, right...) deserved Cocktail. I mean, these attorneys know how to P-A-R-T-Y. They had a beer TRUCK at the last one. A WHOLE TRUCK OF BEER. How many parties have you been to that have one of those?

Have a Cocktail for me!

Passive Aggression

2004-12-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

I vaguely remember during a particularly crazy night some pissy, I'm so much better than you, someone saying "this is ridiculous". Well, yeah, it may be ridiculous but the real concern should be 'Is this fun?' HELL YES it's fun. So until you unlodge that gigantic stick that has affixed itself to your ass from years of communing and being one with nature, DON'T TALK TO ME! Jesus, I've wanted to say that for a long time. Which brings me to an important aspect of myself: Passive aggression. I've got a lot of rage. So if you piss me off watch out, it might come back to haunt you...in a few years.

I'll leave you with this: "It allows you time to compose your thoughts and articulate your hatred eloquently." -Me about being passive aggressive

Mwah

Meatloaf, Calories and The Referral Service

2004-12-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, guys so I just needed a place to discuss these important topics that classy lady's (and gentlemen... I don't discriminate), such as myself, are faced with in today's world. Important topics that I hope to explore in the future include: What is it that Meatloaf won't do? "I will do anything for love but I won't do that." And why does the side of my DMD (Diet Mt. Dew) bottle say "Low calorie", When there are NO CALORIES in it? Could this be considered false advertising? Huh? Maybe I can sue. [Begin thought bubble here] 'Damnit people, I mean I thought I was getting SOME calories. It says it is low calorie right here. All this time I thought it was contributing to my 200,000 calorie a day diet, I want my money back plus punitive damages' [End thought bubble].

Did I mention I work at a Lawyer Referral Service? Yeah, I refer people to attorneys. But, mostly I sit here and stare at the phone chanting 'I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, HANG UP, HANG UP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HANG UP!' everytime it rings. And also do a lot of bitch work for my bosses, but it's okay because I like them. Actually, they are probably some of the best people I have ever worked for...(insert the sound of a large group of people saying 'Ahhhhh' at once, kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside). Recently (well in Sept, which isn't that recent), I aquired a bitch of my own, Ryan. Well, actually he's only the bitch by default, I've been here longer and also I'm female. Example: It's raining and we ordered lunch from some place that does not deliver. Today, I have actually decided to put forth a tiny bit of effort to look presentable, let's say for arguments sake that I actually brushed my hair this morning AND put on makeup. (hypothetical I know but just go with it) Well I don't want to ruin the good, unfrizzy hair and flawless, fresh face I've got going on so who am I going to call? You guessed it, RYAN.

Anyways, The above (you know from the first paragraph) thought is pretty much in the ballpark of issues that a majority of the crazy that call needing an attorney have. (Just to clarify, I use crazy here as a noun). Dana, my boss got a call the other day about Ben Wa Balls (if you have to ask, you really don't need to know) getting stuck because directions were not included. Now, I'm no genius but if you don't know how to use something, particularly something that goes in THAT area, then I would say it is a safe bet to WAIT and ASK for directions before proceeding than experiment and end up in the E.R. But that's just me, and what do I know?

There will be so much more on the Referral Service, Dana and Crazy, in general, later.

So as some of you know next semester I am going to be studying abroad in Sevilla, Spain so, perhaps, there will be some entries in Spanish...or not so much, seeing as how I can barely remember what I did this morning. How can you expect me to remember Academic information from more than 4 years ago?

General Rule: If it is useless I will remember it. Everything else is subject to, well, I can't remember.

Ignorance and Obesity

2004-12-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

What? What's that you say? "Well, I'm from Eastern KY and proud of it?" Yeah, well, I'm proud too. Proud to have survived 11 years of that backasswards place. It's not really even Eastern KY I object to, mainly just Paintsville. Now, I can hear you people who want to defend it, who want to tell of all it's glory and splendor and you know what? Go write ahead (ha, a pun). Blogs are free my dears so, honestly, get your own, this one's full of enough shit already.

I mean, I'm not saying everyone there is redneck/crazy/ignorant/stupid/whatever you like, there are a few great people. (I came out of there, didn't I?) Personally, I can pretty much count on both hands the people who fit into this category but, even so, there are a few.

Oh, come now, I know it seems I am just harping on my disdain for p-ville but trust me, my interests are many and there will be Eastern KY free discussion at a later date. I just want you all to understand where I am coming from (both literally and figuratively). It takes time to build a relationship, I'm simply starting with the basics.

In parting I will leave you with a quote from Dick Thomas: "WHAT, you LOVE the Appalachian culture? You love ignorance and obesity? I'm not saying that to be mean, it is what it is."

Have a nice day

Ah, Home...

2004-12-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

I grew up in Paintsville, KY, which is very close to Grundy VA, which is considered by some to be the asshole of the country, so assign Paintsville what you will. Now I've never actually been to Grundy but I'm guessing I would not enjoy it. Grundy is just one of those names you know, like Fleming-Neon...Who the hell came up with that? Possibly later on I will discuss Mandy(one of my best friends) and my evil plot (well it's not REALLY evil) to take over Flem, as I like to call it and rename it Flapjack, which is just as arbitrary but evokes much nicer visions. Example Flapjack...I think of warm, buttery pancakes...comforting. Fleming-Neon...I think of that old 4-H camp song 'Granny's in the Cellar' (Okay, okay, for all of you who didn't get the chance to attend that fine establishment the song goes: 'Granny in the cellar/Lordy can't you smell her/Cooking on her hot and dirty stove/In her eye there is some matter/That keeps dripping in the batter/And she whistles while the [insert disgusting snot noise here] goes down her nose')...NASTY! So now do you see how the world, or at least Eastern KY would be a much more harmonious place should such a change occur?

I'll leave you with this thought, there is, on the way to Fleming-Neon, a section, or a 'holler', if you will, that is named Beefhide. Who knew that KY was so full of such wonderful, inspiring destinations?

Cheers